Three Tips to Start Your Own Healing Conversation NOW

Posted by Admin on Monday, March 11, 2013 · 681 Comments

Tip 1 – The Power of Questions: Positive & Open-ended

Every healing conversation starts with a question. Not just any type of question, but an open-ended and positively biased question that evokes affirming memories and invite life-giving stories. Instead of asking about a problem or what the elder wants to avoid, we might ask, “Please tell me about a time when you felt engaged, energized, and deeply satisfied with your life?” Or, “Can you tell me about a time when you felt a sense of hope or wonder?”

Effective questions have the ability to: (1) invite dialogue and deepen the relationship, (2) focus attention on what is constructive and life-affirming, and (3) help us understand and appreciate each other more fully.

Tip 2 – Curiosity Does NOT Kill the Cat

In fact, just the opposite is true – maybe that is why cat’s have 9 lives. Genuine curiosity combined with deep listening ensures that the storyteller feels listened to, heard, and valued. When people are invited to share their stories, they become energized and enlivened by recounting high-point stories, accomplishments, what they value most, as well as hopes for the future.

Tip 3 – The Power of Presence – Showing up matters!

One thing I hear repeatedly is how important showing up is, especially with elders or dying loved ones. Whether engaged in conversation, silence, sharing a meal, a drive, helping with a chore, or just watching TV – it MATTERS! Good questions and curiosity will only get you so far – by yourself. A conversation takes two, so give the most important gift of time to a loved one and you will realize what a gift it is to you.

Marcia’s story below demonstrates the power of questions, curiosity, and presence to strengthen her relationship with her father:

I just had an incredible visit with my dad for his ninetieth birthday. He had never really responded to me. He always let my mom be the communicator for the family. He usually spends most of his time in a lounge chair flipping TV channels. This visit was different. I walked around his chair so we were face to face. Then I asked him what he remembered about some of his childhood friends whom I’d never met or heard about.

He came alive, and suddenly it was as if he was ten years old, and on the baseball diamond. He told me which buddy was playing which position. Each time he spoke of a boy on the team, he was more animated. My mother was dumbfounded. “Alan, you never told me you played in a championship game.”

He responded, “No one ever asked.” With this, he turned off the TV and asked me, “What else do you want to know?” He was so energized he did something he hadn’t done before – he got out of his chair, went into the kitchen, and joined in conversation during dinner preparation.

By utilizing some of the questions and conversations starters in Healing Conversations Now, Marcia realized there was something she could do to improve her relationship with her father. We never really know what another might share until we ask.

Have a story to share – we would love to hear it! Click here to share your story of how you enhanced a relationship with an elder or dying loved one. Tony