Whether to enhance/mend relationships, make sense of a serious diagnosis, to find peace and acceptance, or love them goodbye. These ‪end of life #EOL conversations are so important — we all deserve a “good death” as much as a good life!

Check out this amazing video by ZDoggMD a remix of the Eminem and Rhianna song “Love the way you lie”. His is titled: “Ain’t the way to die”.

He highlights the medicalization of end of life and the choices we make along the way to sustain life. Quote at end of video: “It always seems too soon, until it’s too late. Talk about your end of life wishes with those you love”.

As I continue my journey learning, teaching, and working toward enhancing care through conversations at end of life, the two statistics below matter AND we need to do better on them!

1. 72% of patients have thought about their wishes for medical treatment at the end of life — only 35% documented their wishes (Source: Pew Research study (2013)
2. While more than 80 percent of patients with chronic diseases say they want to avoid hospitalization and intensive care when they are dying, nearly 70% of Americans die in a hospital, nursing home, or long-term care facility

No matter who you are, where you work or live, we each have the opportunity to have these important conversations with our loved ones. Stay in touch with me @HealingNow and Healing Conversations Now (Facebook)

Ideas, people, and projects I’m inspired by:

Dr. Atul Gawande: Being Mortal

Dr. Bill Thomas

Death Over Dinner

Dying Matters: Awareness Week #YODO

The Conversation Project

My Gift of Grace

Death Cafe

The post Changing the Conversation around Death and Dying first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

Tony and Mary recently spoke with Lisa Dinga, and she told them about her experience creating a Living Legacy video of her father, Jerry, with Sue Rhomberg (of Living Legacies, who can be reached here).

The process of creating the video was fairly simple. Sue worked with Lisa to identify important topics and questions to explore, and gathered photographs that helped prompt memories and that were also woven into the finished video. Sue met with Lisa’s father to go over the questions, set up the interview locations, and to make sure that he was completely comfortable. The goal of the process was to have fun and to capture and share life stories and memories.

Sue walked the farm property with Lisa’s dad, and also shot footage in the barn where he worked (to this day) on old cars. The video and conversation truly captured Jerry’s personality, what was important to him, how he was in his life, along with memories and stories – both new and known to Lisa. Even though Lisa had heard many of the stories before, hearing them again and in a different context was healing for her.

Here are a few video snippets for you to enjoy:

Reflections:

Stories and storytelling were at the heart of the project. The act of remembering, reminiscing, and sharing these stories brought the memories, people, and experiences from the past fully into the present moment. We “re-member” (to make a member again); we learn more from each person who tells the story; we sometimes have the opportunity to ask questions; and the stories leave us all richer from their telling.

Though Sue is not a family member, she captured Jerry’s “voice.” Lisa said, “My dad was comfortable sharing with someone new, and there was a different nuance created by telling his stories to someone who had not heard them before.” The best part of the process for Lisa was witnessing her father re-live the important stories of his life, seeing the animation and joy while remembering and telling them. She saw him come alive while in the process, understanding that there is something very valuable in the telling of his stories. Jerry’s children and grandchildren now have a new perspective of him, and still time to ask him more of their own questions. How will you capture the stories about the important people in your life?

The post How Do You Create a Legacy? How Will You Capture Life Memories? first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

Two attributes (of many) that stand out about the Hetzel’s are love and patriotism.

Love

I’m always amazed at the love this family shows each other on a daily basis – whether celebrating the everyday and ordinary, going out of their way to do something kind for another, at family gatherings, or coming together during the most difficult situations. If you could choose a family of love to be a part of, this would be the one! I consider myself lucky to have married into to such a wonderful family.

My wife came across this letter below, which Papa wrote the eve of his wedding – 66 years ago this month. As is evident in the letter, the love Papa had for his soon-to-be wife (Theresa) was deep and everlasting. In his last days, he most looked forward to joining her on the other side, as she predeceased him by almost 2 years.

Patriotism

Love of country, service, and family define Papa, as well as Theresa. This attribute has been passed down through their family the same way genetic traits are passed down from generation to generation. Through actions, deeds, stories, and memorabilia, I’m pretty sure this family’s blood is red, white, and blue.

The video below underlines the depth of Papa’s love of country: a radio interview conducted by Tim Philbin with Papa on Memorial Day 2010. Papa tells the story of his arrival to the US from Germany as an infant, enlisting in the Navy as a 16 year-old boy, his USN service in WWII in the Pacific theater, how he met his wife of more than 60 years (his nurse following an honorable discharge and bout with malaria), and many other stories and reflections of his life.

Papa’s obituary is available here.  Rest in peace, Papa. Your love lives on through your amazing family.  Tony

The post Remembering Papa – A hero and Loving Family Man first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

Dear Tony,

My grandchild Avery, when only 10, asked if she could interview me last Thanksgiving. She and her classmates were given the assignment to “interview the oldest relative there”…this was me! We went into another room for privacy, and I hesitated to share some sad memories with a child so young. I had had two significant losses in m life, of which Avery had been told about, but “we” never talked about them: losing my mother when I was seven, and losing my husband before she was born. She only knows her “Grandbuddy” from his pictures. But Avery has a sensitive and intuitive side, way older than her years. Although taking a risk, I felt I could share my story honestly. I was also able to share some of the possible and positive outcomes when blessed with a supportive and nurturing environment – my sister, just three years older than I, took over as a house-mother much too early and with too much responsibility, and a loving and caring father who attended to all the details of both a Mom and a Dad.

In remembering some of the questions she asked, she began with, “Where were you born?” I described the city, its safety at the time, and while naïve and much too young, I used to ride downtown by myself on the bus (for five cents at the time) to do my own shopping at the age of eight.

She asked, “Did you have any fears when you were young?” I explained that even though my Mom had died, I felt I could “trust” that my sister and father were there for me. Many years before, however, there used to be a “ragman” who went by our house peddling old clothes, and I believe as a toddler that I used to freak out and cling to a parent if I ever saw him. In retrospect, which I may not have discussed with her, I did fear losing my husband while married, most likely because I loved him so much and also because of the early scar of losing my much beloved Mom. Despite not discussing the loss of my husband, her poem captures my losses.

I believe she asked, “What are your interests now, and how do you live your life?” I shared how important it is to me to continue learning; that I recognize how blessed I am to have been able to do that and to receive degrees in a caring profession; that love doesn’t end with loss, and how I have realized how those I loved have provided me with the necessary strength and stability for a confident life. We discussed some of my travel experiences and the opportunities they’ve provided for learning about myself. In addition, I’ve had the opportunities to see diverse cultures, behaviors and customs that may contrast with ours, but give insight into others and what motivates them.

Avery began her poem with the year I was born, and ended with the color of my hair. But her rendition of my life “blew me away” with how she captured my fears, how I developed insight, and ultimately strength and confidence. This was truly a Thanksgiving “gift.”

All the best,  Sarah Ryan

1940

1940…

A life began

You were ready to show our world

Solely purity and joy

Newark

Was a lucky community

To have you within it

Your independence

Your fearlessness

Of those busy city streets

Would serve you greatly later on

The rag man

May have then frightened you.

You laugh now

In that “Boogie Man’s” face

Just like how those times of despair

Now teach you hope

Your Mom and your Buddy

People you cared for most

Were ripped away from you

Too suddenly

You long for them to come back home.

Bravery

Like an explorer

Wandering fearlessly into unfamiliar places.

Courageous

Discovered peace and euphoria

Made your family proud

Made me proud

Your intellect

Is that of a queen,

A goddess with wisdom

From years of experiencing

Triumph and despair

You show me how to lead a good life

Today

Your hair is the hue of freshly picked apples

A crisp autumn leaf

Waiting to fall silently

In anticipation of a long, icy winter

Your eyes are a calm green sea

Filled with life and curiosity

A life began

1940

(written by Avery Moore, Age 10)

The post Powerful Conversation: A 10-year old interviews her Grandmother first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

I started working at the nursing home when I was 22. I never ever had thought that I would be working at a nursing home in social services, because that was not what I studied in college. Going from studying to become a health educator to social services made me nervous, but, in the end, I was in love with the job.

When we think of “nursing homes,” it’s very likely that the residents will spend the rest of their lives in the facility. And in addition, when you work in a nursing home setting, you will likely see the people you grow to know pass away; however, I learned that the time I spent with residents I met over the course of year(s) were some of the most precious moments of my life so far.

Throughout my journey working in social services, I found the residents inspirational. When many think of skilled nursing facilities, often times it has a negative stigma; however, while working at a skilled nursing facility, I was reminded that it doesn’t have to be negative. Though I did see that many of my residents had multiple health conditions, including chronic conditions, psychological conditions, and memory impairment, getting to know them personally inspired me every single day to want to go back to work the next day.

I had one resident, let’s call her Ms. O., she shared something valuable and unforgettable to me. Ms. O was diagnosed with cancer and decided to stop her treatment due to her age. She told me that she did not want to go through rigorous and intense treatment, and just wanted to be “comfortable” until the day she takes her last breath. Soon enough, she was admitted to hospice where a team of hospice staff and our facility staff continuously supported her the way she wished to be.

What was interesting about Ms. O is that she had the same cancer as my father and her previous medications and treatments were almost identical to my father’s, so I knew that there was not a cure (my father passed in early 2012). There were certainly times where it was tough listening to her talk about her conditions because it was very relatable to my personal life. But what was very encouraging about Ms. O was that despite her health conditions, she was one of the most positive individuals I have ever met. I would walk into her room and she always greeted me with a smile. Sometimes I find her eating chocolate – her favorite. I would get a chair and place it right next to her bed; that was when I noticed she had a positive mantra that was written for her to read every day or whenever she needed a reminder. Though I do not remember exactly what her mantra said, it went along something like, “I am healthy and I am happy” – I asked her, “Why this?” And she simply said, “When I read this, it gives me energy and hope to keep me going every day. It makes me appreciate every single day that is granted to me”.

Let me remind you again – this is a woman who is terminally ill, going through hospice care, has an oxygen tank next to her, and is well aware that she does not have much time left. Death is just around the corner; yet, she is able to stay positive. She is human, and has ups and downs, but my strongest memory of her is her constant positivity and ability to accept her illness. She said things like, “Well, I think I’m still alive…I’m still breathing!” when I asked her how she is doing.

From that day on, we decided to tell each other one gratitude a day so that we can practice being appreciative of our lives. Ms. O kept telling me how appreciative she was of seeing me every day, but to be completely truthful, she was giving me her precious time and I cherished every single second of it. She taught me that death is something that none of us can run away from, but acceptance and positive thinking makes a big difference in increasing the quality of life of an individual. It also warms the heart of others who love and care for her.

The post What I learned from Mrs. O. – Healing Conversations first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

Music can trigger memories…keeping special people close to us, even when they are no longer present.  The word remember, loosely translated, means to make a member again (re-member).  So today I re-member my mom and dad and share my wife’s note and the two songs that she had created for me…I hope they bring you joy, and perhaps help you to make your own memories of special people in your life.

Jen: ” In the fall of 2005 a listserve conversation was initiated by my husband, Tony Silbert, around the topic of healing conversations, particularly those having to do with family healing around death and dying.  On March 6, 2006, Tony’s mother, Lynne LaMarche, passed away peacefully after a five-year battle with lung cancer.  Before her passing, however, I had the opportunity to build on our family’s healing conversations in a manner that translated stories into song.  I collaborated with a new friend of mine (whose husband Tony and I had met in Guyana, believe it or not), Anna Huckabee Tull.  Anna is a commissioned singer-songwriter (and accomplished psychologist) who has a natural gift for cutting straight to the meaningful center of feelings, emotions, and stories.  My “secret” partnership with her (without Tony’s knowing) resulted in the composition of two very special songs — music that Tony and I found profoundly healing during our time of grief.  These lyrics continue to breath life to our very precious memories of Lynne.

I dedicated these songs to my loving husband, Tony, in honor of his unconditional loyalty to family, and his capacity to see the radiant light that shines in every person, his mom in particular.  I also dedicate these songs to Lynne for her enduring positive attitude, loving smile, and friendly Kentucky “Hi Hon!” greeting she shared with everyone she met. From our healing hearts to yours, may you find peace in the magic of song.”

Here are the songs:

http://www.customcraftedsongs.com/listen/last-goodbye

http://www.customcraftedsongs.com/listen/something-to-see

Here is a link to Anna Huckabee Tull’s website:  http://www.customcraftedsongs.com

The post Re-Membering Mom and Dad first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

Note from Randy:  Tony, I’ve been meaning to read your book; being in healthcare, it does interest me how families communicate, say their goodbyes, and share their stories. I think about my grandmother…she isn’t sick, isn’t dying, and is in decent health at 77 years old. Her short-term memory (current events) is horrible, but her childhood memories are clear and on point.

I wanted to know more about her, our family, where our family comes from, how did we come “to be.” I started the conversation simply by saying, “Gram, how was it growing up?” From there it just took off! She talked about her parents, my great grandparents, and how they both were sent over by their parents from Ireland during the potato famine. My great Grandfather landed in Canada; my great Grandmother landed in NYC. They met while both worked at a hospital.   My grandmother talked about growing up Catholic (very Catholic).  She told me she had two best friends (who were sisters), and they still to this day talk every week. They called themselves the Three Musketeers. She said they would go out every weekend to Orchard Beach to pick up boys. I laughed because she is soooooo Catholic, but “It was to just talk with them,” she said. She pulled out old photo books from when she was a baby, her childhood, her high school days; she showed me her old friends and the boys they used to “pick up,” and how they would choose between them. She liked the James Dean look.   She LOVED to go dancing, and this is how she met my grandfather. They were at a “club” in the Bronx, he was in his Navy uniform. She even saved the admission ticket into the club ($.14 to get in). She wrote, “Ann & Dutchy” on it (Dutchy was my grandfather’s nickname). She saved newspaper clippings, old Yankee tickets, Giants tickets, ice cream shop coupons…she had tons of them, so I asked her, “Gram, what made you keep and collect all these things?” Her response made me tear up. She said, “These are all the things that made me happy. These are my memories.

We really had the greatest childhood growing up.” She meant her generation; they didn’t have a dime to their names, but it was the small things that kept them going, the happy moments that kept their lives in perspective.   Then we got into how it was moving all the time because my grandfather was in the Navy. They lived all up and down the East coast, finally retiring and settling down in Rhode Island. She told me about my dad, and how he was growing up, and my three aunts, and my uncle. I think she enjoyed just reliving her memories. The joy on her face, and the reactions when a memory popped into her head – priceless. We stayed up until about 10:30 pm talking – mostly her talking; I was content just listening.

It makes me want to take a step back and really take in everything that occurs in my life, soak it in, so that I can remember the good times growing up and the good times with my children. I would suggest to anyone, anyone interested in the past and how good it really was, go to a nursing home and just talk with the residents. They LOVE to talk and tell stories about how it used to be.

The post The Power of Starting: Just Start – Listen – See Where the Conversation Leads You Both… first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

Having a warm, comforting conversation with someone at the end of life is easier to do if you have fond memories.  Then there are the people with whom you probably really should have a conversation, but it’s very hard to think about doing that, because the first thought or memory is of how difficult or curmudgeonly they were in the past.  I know this; my grandfather was one of these people.

I asked myself, “Would he even participate?  He seems to only want to talk about himself.”  I also asked, “Does he even realize that I think we need to ‘mend’ this relationship?”

When you’re at this point, you have a decision to make.  The next question you might ask yourself is, “Can I have a conversation without needing to focus on past hurts?  Can I have a conversation in which I don’t need to hear ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I was wrong’?”

Choose to have the conversation if you can focus on the here and now,  and your hopes for an enhanced or mended relationship.  Choose to have the conversation if you can focus on remembering what was good in the past, and to use this to co-create the future together.  Choose to have the conversation if you can be happy without the need to “get satisfaction” by airing old hurts.  Sometimes it’s an incremental shift, but that increment nudges you toward a positive future.

Unfortunately, I did not have this conversation with my grandfather.  Mostly due to distance – his being in New York, and my being in California, and the phone was not an option.  I regret that I did not try to be more engaged the last time I saw him.  I believe he did not have a clue about how much some of the things he had said in the past hurt me, and I would not have expected to have a deep, soul-searching conversation.  But had I made the decision earlier, I would have at least had the opportunity to remember some of the fun and hilarious times from my childhood when he was creative and vital.

My grandfather certainly was a difficult person, but was not all bad.  Sometimes it seems that the negative takes center stage so easily; we need to remember that there are times when working a little harder to remember the positive could give everyone the relief we need for a graceful end.  The question I would ask myself now is, “How will I feel if the opportunity passes and I have not made the effort?”  Move past the place of possible regret, and give both of you the gift of connection, peace, acceptance, closure – or whatever is most important for you.

Mary V.

The post What About the Tough Personalities in My Life? first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

The substance of relationship is communication. Even our shared history with loved ones is shaped and remembered through language. This is the reason that healing conversations have such transformative power, because through conversation we can complete past conflicts and create the space for deeper love. So what happens when language fails us? Are people without words excluded from healing conversations? One in every eight older Americans are living with Alzheimer’s Disease. This means that many of us are dealing with older family members and friends that are facing the end of their lives while dealing with the effects of Alzheimer’s Disease.

Communication goes beyond language. Communication comes from the body as much as the mind. Consider how much is communicated by the eyes, the posture, hand movements, etc. A slight lean in to your conversation partner, deep eye contact, and a light touch of the hand can communicate a deep connection. I’d like to share a story to illustrate. I was visiting an older woman who had served a mentor to me in school, and was now in a day treatment facility because of her advanced stage of Alzheimer’s Disease. I knew this could be one of our final visits, as she had been in and out of the hospital with failing organs. Unsure of how to connect with her, I flailed around from one topic to the next looking for resonance, a glimpse of recognition. I asked her about her day, told her about my relationship, even tried to explain my research to her. Finally, in desperation I leaned in to meet her eyes and touched her shoulder. She looked back at me with clear, smiling eyes and said “Yes honey, yes.” A few weeks from the end of her life, she said yes.

What has your experience been with being in conversation with a loved one struggling with Alzheimer’s Disease?

The post She Said Yes: A Healing Conversation with Alzheimer’s first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.

Enjoy the video AND go call your parents!

The post The time for Healing Conversations is NOW! first appeared on Healing Conversations Now.